Handling Tough Conversations

Now, working alongside teachers and caregivers is a huge and important part of our job, and unfortunately, it involves a lot of tough conversations, or complex conversations, or critical conversations, or whatever you want to call those tricky talks that we find ourselves needing to have and often dreading or panicking over.

If you skipped the first training in our series on group counseling and are wondering about me, your presenter Sara, I’ll let you hit pause and read through, otherwise, we’re moving forward.

The thing is, as an elementary counselor, you are probably a natural peacemaker with students.

You help guide children through conflict resolution and sticky, complex social situations on a pretty regular basis.

You coach your students on assertiveness and self-advocacy.

Yet many of us are also inclined to avoid these types of conversations and interactions ourselves with our fellow grownups, or maybe we don’t avoid them, but they cause us a lot of distress, or maybe we just feel really, really lacking in confidence around them.

I used to do what I call a conversational postmortem, where after a tough conversation, I would sit in my office or stay up all night in bed, replaying things in my head and critiquing everything I did wrong.

The truth is these conversations aren’t going anywhere.

They are always going to be a part of your job, but they don’t have to be something that feels awful or that is dread-inducing or something to avoid.

This training probably won’t make you feel excited about these conversations, but it will hopefully help you feel more prepared for them, help them to be more successful with better outcomes for everyone involved.

We’re breaking it into 5 sections:

Understanding why these conversations are so hard, strategies to try before the conversation, strategies to use during the conversation with some specific examples, tips for when things go south, and strategies for after the conversation.

I try to keep lots of different types of conversations in mind so that what I share with you today can work for email conversations, formal meetings, a teacher popping into your office, a parent call, all of that.

I also want to acknowledge that some of the strategies I’m going to share are things that a part of your brain is going to say, “Well, yeah, that’s what I tell my students.”

And then if you take a beat to pause, the other part of your brain will remind you, “Oh, but I don’t necessarily always do that myself.”

So some of it might just be helpful reminders to practice what you preach.

Before I dive into specific strategies and examples, I do think it’s important to acknowledge and understand why some conversations are so hard, because name it to tame it, right?

If we can really understand and be able to name and validate for ourselves why a conversation is really hard, I think we’re going to be better able to handle all of the stress emotions that come alongside it.

And one big reason these conversations are so hard is because they are stressful—stressful to the point where we often experience a totally natural stress response, sometimes before the conversation even starts.

You know what I’m talking about, right?

Like before you’ve even dialed the caregiver’s phone number and your heart is already going crazy, crazy pitter-patter.

The feelings that surface before and during contentious conversations send messages to our body and our brain that we’re experiencing some kind of physical threat, and our body tries to protect and defend itself with increased cortisol and glucose levels, elevated heart rate, and increased blood flow to our arms and legs.

All of these things would be so helpful for our bodies if there was a true threat to our well-being, but obviously, it makes communicating effectively in important conversations even more difficult because while our body is trying to respond to physical threat, it’s dampening our ability to really listen and regulate our emotions and think critically about what’s happening.

That’s counterproductive when there isn’t an actual threat, right?

We’re trying to have this conversation.

So many of us, or most of us, talk to students about fight, flight, freeze, or train our teachers about it, but we’re not always the best at recognizing how that occasionally plays out within ourselves in the school building.

The other piece that makes these conversations tough is that counselors and parents and administrators and teachers come to the table with different opinions, experiences, priorities, values, educational backgrounds a lot.

We might all have the same overarching goals, but our own personal goals, as well as the way that we approach things, can be incredibly different.

Incredibly different.

And when people enter into a conversation about things they care deeply about or have really strongly held opinions about, it can be hard to see the common ground with the others in the conversation, because most people’s human nature are prepared to strongly defend their position or opinion more so than they are prepared to listen and collaborate.

I also want to acknowledge that for many counselors and teachers, our job is undervalued and under-resourced, and these conversations ,especially ones around our responsibilities and duties, can trigger some totally valid feelings of underlying or lingering resentment that some of us hold about how much or how little we feel respected in our schools and communities.

And last but certainly not least, these conversations are hard because they are high stakes.

They can have a significant impact on the well-being of the little humans that we are supporting or a really big impact on our own professional well-being.

And any time that we are having a conversation that has so much weight to it, it will feel heavier, right?

And that heaviness often starts before the conversation ever does because while sometimes these tough conversations pop up without us expecting it, we often know they’re coming.

They’re often part of the meetings that we ourselves have arranged.

And when that’s the case, there are two things that we can do to help the conversation go more successfully ahead of time:

Get our head in the right place, and get our body in the right place.

Going into the conversation, even if it’s just via phone or responding to an email, with strength and confidence and calm can go a long way.

Getting your head in the right place might look like repeating some affirmations or giving yourself a little pep talk.

Things like:
“It’s OK if I don’t have all of the answers.”
“This conversation may be uncomfortable or tense, and that is OK.”
“The conversation can be uncomfortable and productive or successful.”
“I can only expect myself to do my best.”
“My best is enough, and the outcome of this conversation doesn’t mean anything about me as a person or me as a school counselor.”

And if you’re worried about possibly being triggered somewhat intensely during the conversation, like if you think there’s a chance that you’re going to find yourself believing that your voice isn’t being listened to or that your work is being diminished, or if there’s the possibility for things getting a little out of control, then you might bring yourself a little reminder of your affirmation or pep talk.

This might look like bringing a pen or a paperclip or something else like that, that when things get extra tough, you can look at or rub or just hold onto as a symbol of your strength and the belief that’s going to help you stay grounded in the conversation.

You also might take a moment before the convo to think about the positive what-ifs.

I don’t think that it’s always wrong or bad to imagine and prepare for the negative what-ifs, but there is also value in spending the same mental energy imagining the flip side.

Again, we help our students with their mindsets because we know the impact that mindset can have on how they act and how they head into tough situations.

The same goes for us.

You can also take a beat to get your body in the right place.

Anxiety or anger producing conversations sometimes mean that we’re dysregulated before they even begin.

So we might need to take care of our own physical selves before we engage in the conversation.

One way to do this might be spending one minute in a power pose.

I also recommend these before interviews.

This could be standing in a superhero pose (feet a little wide, hands in fists on your hips, chest and head held high) or a victory pose with your arms up in a V and a smile on your face.

The jury is still out on the exact impact of power poses because the research findings are mixed, but there is consensus on how contractive postural tendencies, aka being slouched or hunched, can negatively impact us in tough situations.

So spending a moment or two in a power pose can help combat those constrictive tendencies.

You can also, of course, practice what you preach with some deep breathing to slow your heartbeat or stabilize your blood pressure.

Good old breathe in for 3 and out for 6 or just keeping your hand on your heart and a hand on your abdomen so that you focus on your lungs expanding.

OK, it’s time for the difficult conversation now.

You’ve got this, and you are going to be extra successful in it because you’re going to focus on three guiding principles throughout it as much as possible:

Empathy, curiosity, and clarity.

Look, you are already, I am sure, an incredibly empathetic human, and bringing this into the conversation, whoever it might be with, will serve you so well.

It’s going to come out in a variety of ways, including assuming positive intent and using reflective statements—some good old Carl Rogers stuff, you know—to reflect on the content, feeling, and meaning of what others are saying.

You are also probably naturally curious.

Some people like to say that counselors are nosy.

I just like to think we’re curious, and this will serve you in the conversation because it is another way of showing the others that you care about where they’re coming from.

And it also helps you to have an accurate vision of others’ needs and perspectives—because even counselors, myself very much included, can have some incorrect preconceived notions about things.

Your curiosity might come out in questions like:

“Can you tell me more about your concerns?”

“How do you see this situation impacting the class?”

“What outcome are you hoping to have from this conversation?”

And clarity is key because of one of my new favorite and incredibly short quotes:

Clear is kind.

Communication that is clear and direct is kind and respectful, and it decreases the stress that comes from ambiguity or muddy messaging.

This is often pretty specific to the situation, what this looks like, but it could be creating an agenda for the meeting or conversation—that could be one way to incorporate clarity—and so is sending a follow-up email, which we’ll talk about a little bit later.

So let’s talk about three specific scenarios you might find yourself in and what incorporating clarity, empathy, and curiosity might look like.

1. Being assigned additional and inappropriate duties beyond your capacity.

You kind of have to laugh and smile, right? So you don’t cry when this happens.

You can use empathy in these situations to acknowledge the pressures the administrators might be facing—to show them that you get both the challenges they are facing, as well as the fact that these duties likely do have to get done by someone.

You can use curiosity with the sentence stem “I wonder if…” to gently suggest alternatives or to share the unintended outcomes of that choice. Like:

“I wonder if our literacy specialist may be able to share that duty with me.”

“I wonder if me checking in on 504 fidelity might negatively impact my relationship with the teachers, which could result in them consulting with me less, referring less.”

You can use clarity by directly and respectfully discussing why these duties are inappropriate and how they impact your ability to support students effectively.

It’s even better when you can bring really clear, specific examples of what you are unable to do because of these duties. For example:

You can explain how for every hour that you are asked to spend administering tests, that’s two groups or three individuals or one class lesson that you could be delivering instead—or two groups, three individuals, or one class lesson that will be missed as a service.

2. Meeting with a caregiver regarding concerns about their child’s behavior, especially if they aren’t in agreement.

You can use empathy by recognizing their concerns and feelings, by acknowledging how much they deeply care for and are invested in their child’s well-being and success.

It also might be helpful to empathize by highlighting how—although everybody’s having a different perspective—they’re really all interconnected and impact one another.

For example, if the parent seems to be more concerned about grades, you can validate that concern and discuss how the behavior problems are impacting the child’s ability to learn.

Or maybe the parent is more concerned about their child socially—especially if you’re recommending a special intervention that their classmates might notice—you can empathize and validate that concern and discuss how the behavior problems are already impacting their ability to make and keep friends.

Sometimes it’s helpful to simply try to determine the other person’s core goal or motivation and then connect your recommendations or concerns to that.

Curiosity in this situation could look like asking:

“What strategies have you used at home that seem to work?”

“What do you think would be most helpful for your child?”

Clarity can look like being clear and direct in sharing what the behavior looks like—specific behaviors, as well as the impact it’s having.

Also, clarity in these meetings comes from setting realistic expectations for progress and making a plan for follow-up or ongoing communication.

3. Difficult conversations with teachers about interventions for a struggling student.

Maybe it’s difficult because the teacher is mega stressed.
Maybe they are struggling to love and respect the student, even though they want to.
Or maybe they just fundamentally disagree with what you’re recommending.

You can infuse empathy into this conversation by showing how you value the teacher’s insights and expertise, by acknowledging the challenges they face in the classroom, both as a teacher in general and with the specific student.

Curiosity will help you explore their observations of the situation, explore what strategies they’ve tried, and what has or hasn’t worked.

This might also be a time for statements like:

“I wonder if it’s worth trying for just two weeks to see what happens.”

“I’m curious if the time that you put into an intervention might be balanced by less time spent dealing with behavior issues.”

“I wonder if there’s something I can do—or the principal can do—to support you in delivering this intervention so it doesn’t feel like such a big extra ask.”

Clarity here means that all parties leave the conversation understanding any plans that have been put into place and who is responsible for following through on them—as well as the who, what, when, where, and how of follow-up.

But even with the best preparation and doing an excellent job infusing empathy, curiosity, and clarity into the conversation, things might still not go well.

In these situations, I recommend reflecting on what is most important to you at the end of the conversation.

Is it relationship?

Because if that’s the case, then your whole focus goes back to empathy, validating their thoughts and feelings and figuring out how to support them.

Or maybe what’s most important to you in that conversation is action.

If that’s the case, then the focus shifts really heavily to clarity, maybe narrowing all of the concerns to just one specific issue or concern to focus on, and finding one small step that everyone can agree to that will hopefully build momentum for more steps in the future.

There are also a few statements you can have in your back pocket to de-escalate or re-center things if the conversation goes off the rails. You can read them to yourself, but I’m going to read them too because sometimes it helps to hear the scripting both visually and auditorily:

“Your concerns are valid and important.”

“I can see this is really important to you and that you’re feeling very strongly about it.”

“Let’s take a moment to ensure that we’re all heard and understood.”

“I think we can both agree that what’s most important to us is our students’ success. Let’s focus on that and build from there.”

“I respect your leadership so much and the decisions that you have to make for our school every day. I’m here to offer my perspective as a counselor to ensure that we’re considering all aspects of students’ wellbeing. How can we integrate that with the school’s overarching objectives?”

“My understanding is…” — this helps you to share your perspective or clarify something or refocus without getting confrontational.

“A lot has come up in this meeting, and it doesn’t look like we’re going to be able to sort through it all today. We were able to establish… and I want to celebrate or highlight…”

“Let’s go ahead and close here, and then we’ll reach back out about a follow-up meeting.”

“It seems like we might all benefit from taking a short break to reflect. When can we reconvene?”

“It might be helpful to take some time to think this over separately and gather more information. Can we set a time to revisit this conversation?”

And with that, the tough conversation is over, but it doesn’t mean the core issue is over.

One thing to consider is sending a follow-up email, a recap of the meeting that might include:

A thank-you for participating in the meeting

Information that was shared

Action steps

The date and time for any follow-up

This can help all parties to look back on the meeting with an objective (rather than emotional) lens. It’s also a helpful reminder of action items that need attention after the meeting, because most likely everyone involved, whether a teacher, administrator, or caregiver, has a lot on their plate and a lot on their mind. Reminders are helpful for everyone.

You also might just jot down some notes somewhere for your own memory. Not that I ever want you to encounter this type of conversation, but sometimes it’s valuable to have a written record from a particularly crucial or contentious meeting.

Now, if the meeting didn’t go how you had hoped or expected because there’s a lot outside of your control, a post-conversation strategy is:

Acknowledge that for yourself.

Let yourself feel the things.

Then, remind yourself of some genuine affirmations, like:

“I did the best I could. That’s all I can do.”

“This meeting was one tiny part of my job and who I am as a counselor. This meeting does not define me or my career.”

“Some things are in my control, but many things were not.”

“Most people really are trying their very best—even if I think the way they’re doing it is wrong or unhelpful.”

Alright, we’re at the end of this training.

Let’s do a super quick recap:

Time for a critical conversation?

First, get your head and body in the right place before the conversation: use an affirmation, find your grounding item, maybe try a power pose.

Next, once you’re in the difficult conversation, root yourself in empathy, curiosity, and clarity, understanding and validating their motivations, and finding a way to connect that with your own perspective.

Afterward, you’re taking care of yourself if needed, and also following up with any sort of summary that might be needed.

Alright, the last thing is that I think doing a little self-reflection around tough conversations can be helpful.

So if you’re open to it, take a moment and think about some of the difficult conversations that you’ve had at work in the past and the feelings that came up.

See if you can identify the elements that were most triggering in it, so that you can make a plan for how you want to proactively navigate that specific trigger in the future—whether it’s not having your voice heard, having your role diminished, having your expertise invalidated, whatever it might be.

And then also reflect on the concepts of empathy, curiosity, and clarity:

Which of those are you already really strong in?

How can you lean into that in future tough conversations?

And which of those principles could you maybe grow in and focus a little bit more on?