Assertiveness

What Is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and respectful way. It means standing up for yourself without putting others down.

While assertiveness is often seen as a personality trait, it’s actually a skill that some children need explicit teaching and practice to develop. Understanding the three main communication styles is a helpful starting point when discussing assertiveness:

• Assertive: Expressing yourself clearly while still respecting the other person.
• Aggressive: Expressing yourself in a way that is hurtful, threatening, or dismissive of the other person.
• Passive: Not speaking up at all, not asking for help, or going along with something even when it bothers you.

Why Assertiveness Matters in Elementary School

In Friendships and Peer Relationships

Passive students may go along with things that don’t feel right just to keep the peace. While they avoid conflict in the moment, over time they may miss out on having their needs met or developing a genuine sense of belonging. Aggressive students might get what they want in the short term, but when others go along out of fear, it doesn’t build the kind of trust or mutual respect that strong friendships need. Neither pattern serves kids well, and when kids can’t navigate conflict effectively, small problems tend to snowball. Assertiveness gives them a tool to address problems and advocate for themselves before things escalate.

Beyond Friendships

Assertiveness also shows up in situations that aren’t directly about friendship. It can help a student speak up in class, even when unsure, or share ideas during group work instead of staying quiet. It supports kids in telling an adult when something doesn’t feel safe, saying no to peer pressure, and asking for help when they need it. Assertiveness builds confidence, supports learning, increases safety, and helps students advocate for themselves, not just navigate conflict.

How to Teach Assertiveness to Elementary Students

Make the Concept Concrete

Before practicing assertiveness, students need a clear, kid-friendly understanding of what it is. Keep the language simple, like “Speaking up for yourself in a respectful but strong way,” or “Saying what you need, asking for help, or sharing your ideas with confidence.”

A helpful way to teach assertiveness is to demonstrate all three communication styles using the same scenario. Seeing one situation handled in different ways makes the differences clearer and highlights the impact of assertiveness. Choose scenarios that feel realistic and relatable, like standing up for a friend, deciding how to play at recess, sharing an idea in class, or telling an adult when something doesn’t feel right.

Practice Assertive Body Language and Tone of Voice

How something is said often matters just as much as what is said. Body language and tone of voice are key components of assertiveness, and they can also undermine a message if they don’t match the words.

For assertive communication, students are generally working toward standing tall, facing the person directly (not slouched, but not in someone’s face either), and using a calm and steady voice that is neither too quiet nor too loud or harsh.

• One important note here: Body language norms vary across cultures, and some students, particularly those who are neurodivergent, may communicate and connect differently. Teaching assertiveness should include space for those differences rather than holding all students to a single standard of correct body language.

Use Role Play

Knowing what assertiveness looks like doesn’t mean it will be easy to use it in real time. Role play is one of the best tools for bridging that gap, allowing students to practice in a low-stakes setting before they need the skill in real situations.

Use scenarios that feel relatable, like someone cutting in line, a friend pressuring you to leave someone out, asking an adult for help, or speaking up for your ideas during a group project. When scenarios feel familiar, students are more likely to be engaged and see how assertiveness skills apply to their own lives.

Sentence starters and scripts are especially helpful. When kids have language ready, they’re more likely to use it instead of falling back on less effective patterns. Some useful starters:

• “I feel ___ when ___ because ___. Could you please ___?”
• “I respectfully disagree. I think ___.”
• “I need some help with ______.”

Speaking Up Versus Letting It Go

Not every situation requires a response, and part of developing assertiveness is learning to distinguish between what’s worth addressing and what’s better to let go.

This is an important nuance because kids sometimes interpret letting it go as being passive. However, walking away can be a healthy choice when a student decides it’s not worth engaging, and it’s different from staying quiet out of nervousness, uncertainty, or a desire to avoid conflict. Helping students notice that difference empowers them to make more thoughtful choices about what’s worth their time and energy and when it makes sense to step away.

Include Adults when Appropriate

Assertiveness also means knowing when something is beyond what a child should have to handle on their own. Part of teaching this skill is making sure students understand that asking an adult for help isn’t a failure to be assertive. Rather, it is sometimes the responsible, appropriate action. Help kids understand that they should always seek out an adult when a situation feels unsafe, keeps happening even after they’ve tried to handle it, or involves something that is too big or overwhelming to manage on their own.

Resources to Put This Into Practice