Grief is a universal experience, but it looks different for everyone, depending on their situation, coping style, and the type of loss they’ve faced. As school counselors, it can be tough to know exactly how to support students with grief and loss, especially because grief is not something we can just “fix” (no matter how much we want to). Whether a student is mourning the loss of a loved one, a pet, or going through big life changes like a parent’s divorce or incarceration, it’s normal to feel unsure about what to say or do.
Part of that uncertainty can come up because grief shows up in different ways in students, often in subtle or unexpected behaviors. A student who’s grieving might become withdrawn, struggle in class, or act out in frustration. For others, the grief might be more internal, like feeling isolated or ashamed, especially when dealing with a loss like a parent being incarcerated. As counselors, it can be hard to know what kind of support each student needs, especially when grief isn’t always obvious or easy to talk about.
In this post, we’ll share some practical tips and ideas for supporting students with grief and loss, no matter what kind of loss they’re experiencing. Whether they’re dealing with the death of a loved one, a tough family situation, or another kind of loss, these tips will help you feel more confident in knowing what to do and say.
What to Know About Grieving Children
Developmental Factors
Children around five to nine-ish, our school aged kiddos, are beginning to understand the finality of death. But, they might still think it’s something that only happens to others. They might also externalize and personify death, meaning it’s not unusual for them to imagine death as a ghost or a monster. Play-based activities are hugely helpful with this age group, especially when faced with the difficult emotions that arise with grief.
Once kiddos reach their tween years, they typically understand that death is irreversible, universal, and inevitable. That understanding can bring about a more profound sense of loss and some of the existential questions that go along with it. Because of their greater understanding, these kiddos are generally better equipped to discuss their grief.
Helpful Theories
Understanding different ideas about grief and loss can be really helpful to help us understand where to begin when supporting our students. A lot of us are familiar with Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But it’s important to keep in mind that this model was originally based on research with terminally ill, adult patients, focusing on how they experience grief. This is a bit different from how kids or others might feel when grieving the loss of someone else.
So, there are some newer models that might feel more relevant to the grief we might see in students: Dual Process Model of Grief, Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning, and the Continuing Bonds Theory. These models give us a more flexible, modern way of thinking about how grief works, especially for kids who might be grieving in ways we don’t always expect.
Dual-Process Model by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut
This model explains that grief includes two types of responses: loss-oriented responses and restoration-oriented responses. This means that children might switch between moments of deep sadness and times when they seem perfectly fine, maybe even playful. This is called dosing, and it’s a really healthy mechanism children use to cope with death. Understanding this helps to normalize the (maybe confusing) behaviors you might see when supporting grieving children. This model pairs well with the metaphor of grief being like waves in the ocean – sometimes calm, sometimes turbulent.
Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning by William Worden
This model describes grief as four overlapping and non-congruent processes:
- Accepting the Reality
- Processing the Pain of Grief
- Adjusting to the World Without the Deceased
- Finding an Enduring Connection
These “tasks” of grief might be revisited over time because grief never truly “ends”. As a school counselor, you’ll know that children aren’t going to be able to tell you which of these four processes they are in, but it is helpful for us to be aware of them so we can adjust our conversations and activities accordingly.
Continuing Bonds Theory by Atle Dyregrov
This theory provides us with a helpful outlook, especially when working with children. Grief means developing a new, different relationship with the deceased, not detaching from them. This new type of connection could look like: talking to them, visiting places where you feel close to them, engaging in habits connected to them, imagining what advice they would give, trying their favorite activities, etc. Part of supporting grieving students might look like helping them to realize these new, ever-lasting connections.
Useful Language
We’re always careful with our words when working with children, and that’s no different when we’re supporting students with grief and loss. Below are a few specific things to keep in mind, not just for yourself, but also for when you’re consulting with teachers and caregivers about their communication about the loss.
Honest: Use the words “death” and “dying” and avoid being vague or using metaphors for death (such as “no longer with us” or “passed away”) will confuse children and will help them learn that these words are not “bad”, makes them more comfortable. For example, “It sounds like you’re really missing your dad right now. He died, and I know it’s really hard to think about. Do you want to share something fun you remember about him?”
Comforting: Reassure them of their health and safety. Death can create worries for children about their own wellbeing and that of those around them. For example, “I know it’s hard to understand why this happened. The adults in your life are here to help you feel protected, and we will always be with you when you need us.”
Aligned: Reflect any comforting family values that they share. For example, “You told me that your family believes that love doesn’t end when someone dies, and that even though someone isn’t here with us anymore, their love stays with us forever. That’s a really special way to think about it, and it can help keep their memory alive in your heart.”
Gradual: Children may be immersed in grief in one moment and then engaged in play the next. This is normal and should be encouraged because grieving can be exhausting. Allow time and space for rest rather than forcing conversation about their grief. For example, if you have a child in your office who came in to discuss their pet who died over the weekend, allow them to move freely between talking about their dog and playing with the blocks they seem drawn to.
Let’s put this all together:
“I know you probably have a lot of feelings right now, and it’s okay to be sad, angry, or confused. Your grandma died because she was very old, and her body stopped working, but you’ll always have the memories of the fun times you had together. “It’s okay to miss her and feel everything you are feeling, but it doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen to you. You’re still surrounded by love, and I know you shared that you and mom talk about grandma together before bed so you can still stay connected to her through those conversations.”
Activities
When we are supporting students with grief and loss, it’s important to remember that loss isn’t something we can change or problem solve and often times students just need a listening ear. That being said, there are some more directive activities we can use to help our students process and cope. The handful of options discussed below can work with a wide range of developmental levels and lots of different grief and loss situations.
Grief Soup
Helpful for students experiencing any kind of loss, this activity from our Grief and Loss Toolkit helps students understand how grief comes with a mix of emotions – just like a bowl of soup. This activity will start with you prompting students to think about which emotions they are experiencing, and assign one to each ingredient in their “soup”. Maybe their celery is sad and their onion is angry, so on and so forth. Next, have them place the ingredient into the soup (or color it in if you are using the worksheet). For older students, you might expand on this by having them put different amounts of each ingredient into their soup based on how much of that emotion they are feeling. If you don’t want to use a worksheet, you can also do this with sensory bin supplies like a bowl, spoon, beads, rice, pom poms, etc. where each item represents an “ingredient” in their grief soup.
After completing this activity, you might ask questions like:
- “If you could taste your soup, what do you think it would taste like?”
- “Do you think your soup will be the same every day? How might it change?”
- “Do you think you would notice all the ingredients each time you took a bite? Grief is like that too – you might notice the sadness more one day and the happiness more on another day.”
Connections to the Deceased
This activity is beneficial for students experiencing a death or a non-death loss and pairs really well with the book, The Invisible String. It is really well-aligned with the Continuing Bands Theory discussed earlier because the purpose is to help the child identify ways they are still connected to the person they lost, even if that connection looks or feels a little different now. To do this, you might have students respond to pre-determined prompts, such as:
- “A place we visited together is _______________.”
- “We liked to ______________ together.”
- A color that reminds me of them is ________________.”
This can be done by writing responses on a white board or a piece of paper or, by having students respond to the prompts on each strip and connect them to physically create a chain. Seeing their chain grow can be a really powerful visual for students who are struggling to feel like they are still connected to the person they lost.
Letter to Loved One
Some children are more comfortable processing internally or through written expression when it comes to hard feelings, and this could be a great processing activity for them. Explain to the child that they are going to write a letter to the person who died. For students who might need a little help getting started, you can either give them a prompt and let them write on their own, or give them a fill-in-the-blank version, included in the Toolkit.
Some prompts you might use to get them writing could include:
- “What would you say to _______ if they were here?”
- “Tell ___________ about something that happened recently as if they were here now”
- “When you think about ______________, what is something you love about them that you want to remember forever? It could be something they said, a silly thing they did, or something they taught you.”
Once they are done, you can give them the option to put it in an envelope to save, or they can share it, if they feel comfortable doing so.
Wraparound Support
Grief can have effects on children’s regulation and behavior that can impact them at home, in their classrooms, in their social relationships. So, part of our job when supporting students with grief and loss might be to provide additional support that reaches them beyond our office doors. We say “might be” because of something called watchful waiting – this means keeping a closer watch on the kiddo, but not immediately jumping in with interventions because grief can cause disruptions for some kids and doesn’t for others.
This additional support can take on a few different shapes, like…
Providing Guidance for Teachers and Caregivers
Teachers and caregivers may look to you for help when it comes to supporting their grieving student/child. It can be helpful to have some tips for them, like:
- Maintain routines (as much as possible)
- Share the importance of their language and some guidelines (honest, comforting, aligned, gradual)
- Tips for supporting the student’s emotional regulation
- Be mindful of triggering events (share examples like holidays, anniversaries of loss)
- Behaviors to watch out for
If you would like to have information like this ready-to-go, we have handouts specifically addressing grief, for both caregivers and teachers, here.
Sending Home Resources
You could consider sending home what is called a Grief Pack. A Grief Pack is a bag or box with different tools to support children in their grief. It might include coping skills cards, a journal, worksheets, tissues, picture frame, a fidget, sympathy card, contact information for bereavement counselors in the area. And if you need a starting place for this, we have directions and pages for this inside the Grief and Loss Toolkit.
Supporting Peers
Much like us adults, children can benefit from support when it comes to handling the grief of others. With permission from the family, you can equip the class with appropriate language and behavior when the student returns. Encourage the students to listen to their classmate, treat them like you normally would, avoid asking a lot of questions.
Another option could be to facilitate, or help the teacher facilitate, a class circle.
You can open up the circle by saying, “There are lots of things we have in common and one of those things is that we all need support sometimes. Let’s share some examples of a time when you needed support.” From there, you might explain, “Another situation when we need support is when someone important to us dies. Some of us in this room might have experienced that. Place your hand on your heart if that is you.” That will open up a more directed conversation about grief that will allow you to explain how to process their own feelings, and talk about how to talk to and treat their classmate.
While we can’t take away the pain, as counselors, we play a key role in supporting students with grief and loss. One of the most powerful things we can do is simply be there—to listen, offer a safe space, and show they’re not alone. Structured activities can help students express and process their emotions in healthy ways. Ultimately, it’s about meeting each student where they are and offering the support they need in the moment. Grief is unpredictable, but our presence can make a significant difference in helping students feel seen and supported.
Based on modern grief theories and research, this grief and loss toolkit was created to help school counselors and child therapists support children in grief counseling. Use the included activities when the need arises, or use several in consecutive sessions for children in 2nd-5th grade. Based on your students’ developmental levels and capabilities, some elements of this resource may also be great with 1st graders.
